Article By: The PointFri, 02 Jul 2010 12:58
In light of recent confessions by a certain Ashley Smith, The Point has decided that accepting 'gifts' (and by gifts I mean large sums of money), in return for favourable mention is perfectly acceptable.
Yes, dear readers, that means you. Don't underestimate the sway I hold — at least 78 people have been known to have read this column. One small cash transaction (or, let's be honest, positive comment), will have you well on your way to fame and glory.
Mfumbesi, Wayfaerer, Heinrich, Jan-Jan Pienaar, and Stormy, considering your previous contributions, I'm willing to negotiate a 90 percent discount.
Ah, I know what you're thinking: Bribery! The Point — the last bastion of hope and all things glorious (it could be your name here) — has succumbed to the moral decay of our nation.
Not so. The moral voice of our nation has suggested that in some cases a little pseudo-bribery is okay. After promising the FIFA executives a first class ticket to heaven if they gave SA the World Cup bid, Archbishop Tutu explained to Danny Jordaan that it wasn't really a bribe.
"No, no, it's not a bribe. A bribe is only when you give things to people who are alive. In order to get their first-class ticket, they must first die. That's not a bribe."
Hmm... I may need to revise our agreement; unfortunately, I'm all out of first class tickets to heaven. I could probably get my hands on a few passes to that other place though, or a pair of tickets to the latest Twilight movie.
MR HAND-GRENADE HEAD
Talking about tickets to heaven, the guys who set up South Africa's weapons deals may want to start buttering up the Archbishop. According to Ceasefire Campaign member Rob Thompson, we've been selling weapons to all the wrong countries.
"Arms are not potatoes. The reason we have an act is because they can't be sold like potatoes."
He is absolutely correct. Arms are nothing like potatoes. Try sticking plastic ears and glasses onto a hand-grenade and see where that gets you…
While we are on the topic of all things illegal, here's a conundrum: if you offer a bribe and mention that it is a bribe, is it still a bribe?
"Even if they notify us of the strike, it remains illegal. It's like telling someone you are going to murder them, that doesn't make the act legal," said Eskom's Bhabhalazi Bulunga about the impending strike by NUM members.
LITTLE BLUE LIES
Perhaps bribery, like lies, can be colour-coded. You know, a white bribe (Tutu and his angels), a red bribe (who can forget those allegations about Blade and the bag of cash), and a blue bribe. I haven't quite figured out where this falls in the spectrum of bribes, but our cops are fond of using it when it comes to lies.
"It's a blue lie," said Captain Leonard Hlathi in response to a report that 20 children were found in cardboard boxes in a truck at the border to Mozambique. "I would have been the first person to know about such an incident."
On the topic of lies, someone in the Western Cape is telling them.
"We want to provide the community with proof. The premier is a liar, we are not apologetic on that," said the ANC Youth League's Andile Lili on the toilet saga.
Andile Lili is full of the stinky stuff. The Point is not apologetic on that.
And, finally, proof that South Africa's racial classification system has confused the hell out of everyone:
"We found that foreigners like Zimbabweans and Nigerians are buying RDP homes, but what about the African people?" asked the Anti-Privatisation Forum Spokesperson Sibongile Thusini.
I rest my case.