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 JOKES GALORE

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PosOnderwerp: JOKES GALORE   Fri Jul 02, 2010 10:04 am

Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
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PosOnderwerp: Re: JOKES GALORE   Fri Jul 02, 2010 2:09 pm

GETTING OLD IS A SERIOUS BUSINESS.


An elderly Essex Lady called 999 to report that her car has been broken
into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the Operator:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even
the accelerator!" she cried.
The Operator said, "Stay calm. A Police car is on the
way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
________________


"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three pensioners, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday." and the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's
have a beer."
_________________

SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at
him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
___________________


ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss
me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my
neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you
going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
___________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
______________________

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the Motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Geoffrey, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M1
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Geoffrey "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The lights were red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red
light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection
and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman
in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to! the other woman
and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights
in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"


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PosOnderwerp: Re: JOKES GALORE   Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:55 am

:Quickies For The Day....


1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without
Information Fighting Everytime'!"
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got a heart attack & our driver ran away."

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there is also my son, that's confidential!"

6. Anger management?
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

"Live Well, laugh Often, love much...and wear cute shoes!"

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PosOnderwerp: Re: JOKES GALORE   Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:57 am

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
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PosOnderwerp: Re: JOKES GALORE   Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:58 am

A group of white people were swimming at the Durban beach during the

Apartheid era. Then an Indian gentlemen joined them and started swimming.

A policeman stopped him: "This is a whites-only area."

He replied: "But sir, I didn't think I was trespassing - this is the

Indian Ocean !"


Again!!!!
I was walking down a Jhb Street on my way from shopping when I saw another Indian guy

begging by collecting coins in his hat

The next day he had 2 hats in his hands so I asked him why?

He replied: "Business was good so I opened another branch.


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PosOnderwerp: Re: JOKES GALORE   Mon Jul 12, 2010 9:00 am

Twee boeties, Gert en Koos het 'n sak vol lemoene by hulle huis gesteel en het besluit om na die naaste begrafplaas te hardloop waar hulle dit eweredig onder mekaar sou verdeel. Toe hulle by die groot staalhekke kom om die begrafplaas binne te gaan, val twee lemoene uit die sak en word net daar gelos.

'n Papdronk man oppad terug van die kroeg loop naas die begraafplaas verby en hoor toe die volgende: Een vir my en een vir jou, Een vir my en een vir jou.

Hy skrik homself sommer dadelik nugter en hardloop so vinnig soos wat sy voete hom kan dra na die naaste priester.

"Priester, kom saam met my om te getuig hoe God en satan lyke uitdeel in die begrafplaas.". Hulle altwee hardloop na die begrafplaas en die stemme gaan voort. Een vir my en een vir jou, een vir my en een vir jou!
Skielik sê die een stem.: "Nou wat van die twee by die hek?".

Die priester was die een wat die vinnigste kon padgee...!!!!


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PosOnderwerp: Re: JOKES GALORE   Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:03 pm

Is this what the new National Credit Act is doing??

Operator: "Thank you for calling Scooter's Pizza. May I have your ..."

Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eish ....., hold on .....eh....
698-45-54610 ..."

Operator : "OK... you're .... Mr Sfiso Majola and you're calling from 17 Retief Street. Your home number is 011 403 2366, your office 011 764 2302 and your mobile is 082 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the System Sir."

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir."

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol levels, Sir."

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir."

Customer: "OK I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is R149.99!

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank
R3720.55 since October last year.

That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawals today."

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.

How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Green Double Cab ...."

Customer: "What!"

Operator : "According to the details in the system, you own a Nissan Double Cab, ... registration number NRB 132 GP ....."

Customer: " *'!^ *%^*%^I7*"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on the 15th July 1987? You were convicted for using abusive language to a policeman. I need not tell you what happened to you at Sun City Prison"

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing ...... by the way ... aren't you giving me those 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic ... "

Customer: "Please cancel the order, my wife will have to cook ...."


POST SENT BY: JACO- CENTURION


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PosOnderwerp: Re: JOKES GALORE   Wed Jul 14, 2010 1:05 pm

N COLOURED MAAK 'N PLAN

An old man lived alone in Cape Town. He wanted to spade his potato
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Clemence, who used to
help him, was in Polsmoor Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

"Dear Clemence, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just
getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all
my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,
Papa"



A few days later he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, For heaven's sake, Papa, don't dig up that garden, that's
where I Buried the BODIES. Love, Clemence"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, the Scorpion Unit, NIA agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could
do under the circumstances. Love Clemence."




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PosOnderwerp: Re: JOKES GALORE   Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:05 pm

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered,
''I am the Father of many.'


The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.'


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PosOnderwerp: Re: JOKES GALORE   Thu Jul 22, 2010 7:45 pm



SKOOLSAKE

Juffrou: "Klas, wat gee hoenders?" Marie: "Eiers."

"Klas, wat gee boerbokke?"

Sannie: "Bokmelk."

"Klas, wat gee 'n koei ons?"

Jannie: "Wiskunde en fokken huiswerk."

Juffrou vra: "Wie kan 'n sin maak met halstarrig?"

Klein Sipho: "As iemand hy poep by die taxi en die window maak die fog, ons halstarrig asem." (Loved This one!)

Juffrou vra of iemand kan verduidelik wat 'n "bachelor" is.

Kosie: "Juffrou, dis 'n man wat Saterdagaand dorp toe gaan, saad plant en dan Sondag bid vir 'n misoes."

ANDER

'n Man wil 'n bra koop vir sy vrou, maar weet nie watter grootte om te koop nie. Die verkoopsdame sê: "Vat aan my borste, dalk is dit dieselfde grootte."

Die man antwoord: :O, ja, en sy kort nuwe panties ook." .

'n Taalhandhawer en sy nors vrou hou by die vulstasie stil

"Vul asseblief die brandstoftenk, gaan die olievlak na en kyk of daar fout is met die knormoer van die motor" is die opdrag.

Na 'n rukkie kom die pompjoggie na hom en sê: "Oubaas, ek het gefill-up en die olie gecheck, maar ek dink ons moet die oumiesies net so laat staan."

Boer aan sy vrou: "As jy so buk, is jy so breed soos my stroper."

Die aand soek hy 'n knippie.

Sy vra: "Moet ek die moerse stroper start vir so 'n klein mielietjie?"

Die vrou loop rond in die duur matwinkel. Net toe sy buk om aan die mooi mat te voel, poep sy kliphard. Die verkoopassistent staan agter haar en vra of hy kan help. Sy vra: "Hoeveel kos hierdie mat?"

Die Assistent: "Mevrou, as jy gepoep het toe jy aan die mat gevoel het, gaan jy in jou broek kak as jy die prys hoor."

Jannie se ouma kuier oppie plaas en Jannie hardloop by die plaashuis in waar sy Ma en Ouma besig is om middagete voor te berei.

"Ma, Ma, die bul spyker die koei!!"

Ouma skrik haar boeglam en kry omtrent 'n hartaanval.

Jannie se Ma gryp hom aan die oor en trek hom buitentoe en sê: "Luister nou mooi Jannie, jy kannie rondloop en sulke lelike woorde gebruik nie, gebruik iets anders, soos... sê eerder----- die bul verras die koei."

'n Paar minute hardloop Jannie weer die kombuis in. "Ma, MA, die bul verras nou al die koeie!"

"Onmoontlik Jannie" sê sy Ma, "die bul kannie al die koeie verras nie."

"Ja, hy kan Ma, want hy spyker nou die perd!"

Jannie sit een oggend op die sypaadjie met 'n bottel swembadsuur besig om dit oor miere uit te gooi, soos hul verbykruip. 'n Engelse priester loop verby, kyk na die storie en vra: "Good morning, young man, What are you doing with this little bottle?"

"Ek brand die miere, oom."

Die priester dink dat dit bietjie gevaarlik is vir die laaitie om met sulke tipe van suur te speel en probeer dink aan 'n manier om Jannie te laat vaar van sy planne.

"I have a bottle of holy water here that you could put on the ants instead. I once put a drop of this on a woman's belly and she passed a child."

"Daai's fokkol nie, my oom. Ek het eenkeer 'n druppel van hierie goed op 'n hond se ballas gesit....and he passed a Kawasaki !"

TOYOTA

Die twee eerstejaar studente het 'n bietjie te ver met die vryery gegaan, en besluit om die nooi se ouers die naweek op die plaas oor die onverwagse swangerskap te gaan inlig. Die hele aand het die kêrel gewroeg oor hoe hy by die voorgenome skoonouers oor hul lot gaan vertel, maar hy kom nie sover om dit te doen nie. Die nag het hy sleg geslaap en die volgende oggend was hy vroeg weer op. hy was verbaas om oral op die plaaswerf net Toyotas te sien. In die garage het 'n Camry gestaan, onder die boom 'n Hilux en in die stoor was 'n Land Cruiser. Selfs die plaas se naambord was geborg deur Toyota . Terwyl hy hom so verwonder, groet die Oom hom skielik. Die arme kêrel skrik hom flou. Maar kenmerkend van 'n student herstel hy gou en vra die Oom uit oor al die Toyotas.

Oom: "Toyotas het baie goeie masjiene. Hul ratkaste gee nie in nie. Die Land Cruiser se vere kan jy maar laat werk. En selfs in die winter sukkel 'n mens nie om die Toyotas te start nie."

Waarop die kêrel vinnig antwoord: "Oom se dogter is seker ook 'n Toyota . Ek het haar net so 'n ligte stootjie gegee, toe vat sy!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

GATIEP EN MERAAI

Gatiep se vrou vang hom in die bed met 'n los-girl. Sy gooi hom van die 4de verdieping af en skree: "Jou fokken insek, as jy kan steek, kan jy vlieg ook!"



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PosOnderwerp: Re: JOKES GALORE   Today at 11:52 pm

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